“What is this?”
“She’s going to kill us.”
“They were under a towel.”
“She will never know…”
This blog entry will contain EXPLICIT content.
I felt like you needed a warning. A disclaimer of sorts. A one-liner to tell you this entry is going to be a little bit much…
You pussies, just deal with me. I mean, come on. If you don’t know The Truth Hurvitz by now, it’s kinda too late. You’re in it for the long haul. The first thing you see when you log on my site is “I don’t make love, I fuck”! Which happens to be one of my all time faves. And a Most Popular Post, btw…thanks guys! And this entry is going to lead you down that path so stop now if you can’t handle it…stop now, if you don’t want to hear my dirty story. Stop now, I said! Ya, that’s what I thought. No one is stopping. All y’all are just dying to hear what craziness I’ve gotten myself into this time…
So, the other day I happened to be feeling a tad bit horny. Ya, I said it. So what! Like you all are never horny? Please. You never want to get off? Whatevs. You all do it, you all play with yourselves. You all MASTERBATE. Say the word. Try it, it’s not that hard. MASTERBATE. Omg. You won’t believe this, but my spellcheck won’t even spell it for me. This is so insane. My frickin’ spellcheck is not allowing me to write the word. Wow. I am in shock. Even my spellcheck is afraid to say it. Anyway, I rolled over in my bed…and reached to open my top dresser drawer. Yes, that’s where I keep my VIBRATORS. I feel the need to whisper the word. Shhhh…my vibrators. Well, when I went to reach for my vibrator, I happened to notice they were misplaced. Ummm, like gone. Missing. Lost. Not fucking there.
Dried me up like a desert!
I jumped up, and I started digging through my drawer! I was like, fucking frantic! Who took my vibrators? Not that I have so many, but I mean…I have a couple. Ok, I have a few. I like a variety, jeez! And I couldn’t even locate ONE! Jesus fucking Christ on a Dildo…where are they???!!! Omg. It was my housekeeper? She used them. Bogue. Or maybe I was really tired, and I dropped them all under the bed? My head was spinning, because I knew exactly what happened. I knew exactly where they were…and I just didn’t want to think about it. Or imagine it. Or deal with it…
I put my head in my hands. And I started to laugh. Then cry. This crazy, laughing-psycho-cry. My tween-aged boys had found my vibrators. I knew it, they knew it…and now the entire Truth Hurvitz viewing population knows it. My life was flashing before my eyes…and I wanted to die. Wait, no. First, I wanted to pray that I cleaned them after the last time I used them. Then, I wanted to die. I couldn’t wait until they got home from Mark’s house to confront them. OH HELL TO THE YES…I was going to confront those little nosey bastards! I was going to hold it all in until they came home. And then, I was going to ask them what they found in Mom’s top drawer.
Hey guys, I have a question for you?
Which one of you took my vibrators out of my drawer in my room?
You could hear a pin drop at the breakfast table. Their faces were frozen like fucking Michael Jackson. I just waited, and watched…and tried not to lose it. They looked at each other, and started laughing so hard. Totally uncontrollable, then Jonah says,”Ohhhh is that what those purple things were? We thought they were dildos!” And they continued to roll on the floor as I tried to pick my jaw up off the table. I said,”BOYS! I don’t care what they are! (thinking how do they even know the word dildo?) You can’t go in my room, and go through my private things!” Then Zac said,”Mom, it’s ok. We just needed the batteries for the Xbox controllers! But why do you keep them in the top drawer where everyone can find them? And why are they all purple?”
I thought about answering him. But instead, I just turned and left the kitchen. Shaking my head. Let their father deal with it. Or something. I helped the man-child manscape for Godessake. I tap out.
This is my world.
This is my life.
And I wouldn’t change a thing. Oh, except where I keep my vibrators. ;)
Tags: blended families, blog, cyber dating, divorce, freedom after marriage, jennifer hurvitz, jennifer weintraub, life after divorce, the truth hurvitz