The invites are out.

There is no turning back.

Six weeks from today…

My baby boy will become a man.

He will read from the Torah.

Jonah will become a Bar Mitzvah…

And I, will be sitting there, as still as I can…allowing some dick head DJ control the biggest night of my kid’s life. Run the party. Lead the Horah. Pass out the tinsel maracas. Omg. I can’t even breathe, as I am typing. My hands are shaking. My palms are sweaty. I don’t think I am capable of just watching. I just don’t think I can do it. How in Goddess’s name am I going to relax, and allow some person that I don’t even know to MC MY KID’S BAR MITZVAH? I just don’t think I can. I actually feel bad for the guy. I mean, does he even know who he is dealing with? I am meshugie. But I have MC’d like 2000 Mitzvahs in my career. Ok, maybe not 2000. But Joe Cornell Entertainment in the D taught me everything I know. Sigh. I already told Jonah, if the dude sucks, he’s out. I will pummel him, and throw him to the ground…rip the microphone from his hands, and take over.

And do you know what Jonah said?

“Mom, if you even touch the microphone, I will tackle you to the floor.”


Tough crowd. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him that me, and his Auntie Julie had prepared a dance to preform. I literally told him I had choreographed a “little number” to go with the basketball theme. And we were going to be wearing Hornets outfits, and using pom-pons. I was fucking dying. He was not. He was freaking. His mouth was on the floor, and he was white as a ghost. I kept it up for a good three minutes or so. I walked away, and he is still not really sure if it’s a joke. Ha. Serves him right for calling me “woman”.

Well, I guess I better just hope for the best, and trust this DJ. I mean how bad can it be? He is supposed to be the “best” in Charlotte. So what if he plays the YMCA, or Love Shack? What’s the worst thing that happens, my guests leave? I mean most of them have never even been to a Bar Mitzvah before! I love it. And I am not kidding. I am having 200 people, and I shit you not…180 are not Jews. I even sent out a letter to all the parents of the kids explaining what a Mitzvah was all about, and what to wear. Everyone is totally stoked. And appreciative. And EXCITED! They’re not going to three parties every weekend, and bored out of their fucking minds. I can give them a T-shirt, and they will love it. Everything is new, and cool…and NEVER BEEN SEEN! Can you even imagine? Having a Mitzvah where nothing has ever been done before? Holy shit. I am in party planning heaven. Thank you, Charlotte for being so goyim-heavy. hehe. “Goyim-heavy“. I think that should be in Urban Dictionary.

With six weeks left, I am good to go. Really. I am ready. I will remain calm. I have my outfit. What else does a girl really need? Oh, I know…my Jonah to be happy. I just want him to have the best night ever. Celebrating his special day, and all of his hard work. With all of his friends, and family around him. So, I won’t be tackling anyone. Or yelling. Or freaking out. And I will most likely allow the DJ to do his job. Maybe. 

Now, who is in charge of keeping my glass filled all night? A filled glass would most definitely up the DJ’s chances of survival. ;)

xo j


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