Oh, I guess that wasn’t technically supposed to be split up. That “a” and the “gain” cause its like not two words. But guess what? I don’t really give a rat’s ass. This is my blog. And I can do whatever the hell I want. That my friends, is the luxury of having a blog. I can sep-ar-ate words any-where I want to. Or spell wrong. Or say stupid shit. Or even swear, when everyone in the whole-wide world tells me it’s disgusting to use profanity. BLAH!!! I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it a bazillion times…get your own blog, peeps. And then, you too can doo-doo what you want to do. Do. (heehee. I said doo-doo).
Anywhoo, like I was saying before…it’s that time again. It’s FEBRUARY! Whoop whoop. Hooooray! It’s only like two more weeks until my most FAVORITE day of the year! That’s right, all y’all. It’s almost time for Valentine’s Day. Sigh. When people get all mushy, and gushy…and the world turns PINK! Like someone barfed Pepto all over it. And if you’re in a relationship, you get a card from your significant other. Or a present. Maybe roses, or candy. And you go to dinner, and get all dolled-up. Wow. I mean there’s like so much pressure to get it right! Guys, I feel for you. Did you get the right color flowers? Remember: RED=LOVE and YELLOW=FRIENDS. If you fuck that up, you will be like, the biggest loser ever. She will call all her friends and make fun of you. Women are mean. And don’t do that half-assed bullshit and send the purplish ones, so she is all confused. I would totally kick your ass. I guess flowers are nice. And pretty, sure. But really, flowers die. What a waste of money. Who wants a bouquet of dead roses? Not me. Send me something that lives. Like a puppy. Or a hamster. Or just feed me. Yes, give me a carb-filled meal. Nothing says, “I heart you” like a big fucking Dunkin’ Donut. Smear that shit all over me. Yum.
And what about the card? Does the card say the exact thing you want it to say? Especially since someone else wrote the damn thing. I hate that. The worst thing is when I get a card, and the guy didn’t write a fucking thing in it. Come on, you guys! At least write a little something. Don’t just sign your dumb name, and take ALL the credit. Add a little sentiment. “Love, me” just ain’t gonna cut it. And don’t try writing a poem if you suck at writing. Please, no “Roses are Red” bullshit. It’s not funny, or cute. We know Roses are Red, and Violets are Blue…tell us how hot we are, and how we rock your fucking world. What rhymes with “incredible”? Work that shit out.
So, yesterday I was looking for the perfect card. Not that I have a Valentine. I mean, I obviously don’t. There’s a solid reason why I’m single. Have you read this blog? Who would date me? But I do have 13 days to find one. So…just in case, I’ve been looking. For a card, ok? And yesterday, I found the BEST card ever. It says, “I’m BAT SHIT CRAZY for you“. I was laughing so hard in the store, I peed myself. How great is that? Literally, the card says, “I‘m bat shit crazy for you.” And it has a big-ole picture of a bat on it. Perfect. Now, I just need to find the guy who’s lucky enough to receive it.
I have thirteen days to find me a man.
I have the card.
I have a really super-cute outfit.
I think, I might even have a babysitter for my kiddos. Ok, that’s a flat out lie. I don’t. But who cares. I’ll leave them alone, they are like 30. I mean, can’t I just leave them for a couple hours on Valentine’s Day? Jeeezus. I’ll bring them back a doggie bag for Cupid’s sake. Yo, J&Z! Your BAT SHIT-CRAZY Momma’s got a live one! I’ll be back in an hour…don’t wait up! Well, first thing’s first….I have to catch me a Valentine.
Hey, Cupid! Can I borrow your bow and arrow? Thirteen days, and counting…look out guys, here I come. ;)