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Ross and Rachel.

Harry and Sally.

Kate and William.

Kim and Kanye.

Kurt and Goldie.

Friends.

Yup. They were all friends first, before they started banging each other’s brains out. And I’m kinda wondering if that’s why their relationships are still working. Really! In an article published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, “Researchers found that couples who value their friendship over other aspects of their relationships report greater romance and sexual satisfaction over couples who look to their partners mostly for sexual gratification”. Wow. See! I am just fucking this entire thing up! I need to find me a FRIEND to date. I person that I have been friends with first, and then fall in love. Omg. Don’t you get it? It’s so simple. It’s a no-brainer. I need to scan Facebook for single man-friends YES!

Hmmm. But didn’t I try this in college? I think I did. In fact, I know I did. I had a best friend my Freshman year, that I adored. He was my everything. We were inseparable. I followed him around like a puppy, and we even slept in the same bed! Everyone thought we were together, but we weren’t. We were just “friends”. I never even kissed his lips. Ya know, FRIENDS. He held my hair when I puked. I talked to him about his girl problems. He listened when loser-frat boys shit all over me. We were friends. Until we went to the same summer camp…. And I saw him with another chick. I was like, excuse me? And I got all jealous, and my claws came out. It’s funny, when I saw another girl interested that way in my person

Yes, siree-bob! I wanted him. And our Ross and Rachel romance began. Our year-long friendship turned into a relationship. And I loved him all summer long. And into the next year. And what the fuck is my point? Oh! My point is that friends can be lovers…and good ones at that. We had a great relationship based on a solid friendship. And maybe it went amuck because I was an immature biatch, but that’s not important right now. What’s important is that I realize that all these assholes I’ve been dating I have no history with. I have no foundation. I don’t have a flippin’ clue who they are, or what they are all about! I need to be friends with a person first. AMEN!

So, where so I start?

Where should I find one? This friend thing can’t possibly be that difficult, right? I have tons of guy friends. But what happens if we like each other, but we don’t have any chemisty? What then? I mean, what if I’ve liked him forever…but when we get naked, we freak! Like our bodies don’t connect on a sexual level. Ugh. I can’t even. I’m getting sweaty palms thinking about the mere uncomfortableness of it all. Let’s just say, and this is purely hypothetical, that I have this guy that I’ve know my entire life. And he’s resurfaced, ok? And he’s interested in me. I’m just talking out loud here. What if, he is brilliant, and sexy. And like basically perfectly-perfect, but I have never thought of him in that way before now…Do you think it’s a possibility?

I think so.

In fact, I want that guy. That long-lost-friend-man. I need to find him, and I just know he’s out there. I mean what’s the worst thing that happens? We meet, and we talk. And we don’t click? Yikes. Our lips meet, and I laugh. I fucking burst out in that loud, boisterous-nervous laughter that my kids hate! And he looks at me like I’m a total bitch. And he gets all mad. Omg. He backs away from me, and he is hurt. My long-lost friend-man is crushed by my overall nastiness…

And he unfriends me.

In real life. Ugh. Here I was just trying to up my chances of a lasting relationship, and it fails miserably. This whole flippin’ scenario just sucks the big one. I’ve hurt him, and he hates me…and our friendship is ruined. For good. Yeesh. Is it worth it? Yes, it is totally worth it! And you wanna know why? Because what if, and work with me here…what if, it’s LAFS? Ya know, Love At First Sight! YES! I see him, and he sees me…and its like HOLY SHIT BALLS WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE LAST 30 FUCKING YEARS? And we stand there for like, two-seconds because we are freaking out, and are unsure what to do…but then, we hug. Yes, losers, we HUG. And I don’t let go. And he doesn’t let go. I am so not letting go first. Please, Goddess,  I hope he doesn’t, let go first…

And we live Happily Ever After. The End. Everyone deserves a fairy tale once in a while, dontcha think? Even Jennifer Hurvitz Weintraub. ;)

xo j

 

  • Lorraine

    I might be beitang a dead horse, but thank you for posting this!