Ok, I think I am being totally set up.
And not like set up on a date, “set up”.
Like I was fucking Punk’d, “set up”.
Remember that show? With flippin’ hottie Ashton Kutcher, where they set up people to be totally, and completely humiliated in front of the entire world?
Ya. Me. Totes.
I was set up fo sho. 165,000% set up by this guy from Match, so he could be blogged about. OMG YES I WAS…and I am a fool. Because I am totally falling for it, and his bull-pucky…and I am doing it right now! I am blogging about him. MOTHER FUCKER, I am blogging about the guy who effin’ humiliated me just to be in my blog!!! UGHHHH!!! But I have to tell you about him, I think it’s SO worth it. Right?
Right? hmmmm. Is it worth it?
He needs a name. Let me think….
Matchmaker. Nah. Mr. Matchdotwrong? No. How about BlogBoy. Borrring. He was so nice. And sweet. And I totally liked him, but I know, deep down he just wanted to be on the blog! He was just trying too damn hard to say the right thing.. and do the wrong thing. And act all funny-like, and stupid-like, and he even tried to NAME himself! You can’t NAME yourself, Darhlin’. Don’t get all up in my shiz, and tell me your name for my blog. Are you high? If you make a big enough impression to end up on here, with an actual name, then it will come from me. Jeez. Back off. Like the ones that came before you…Jew-Hater, Wart Boy, and one of my all time faves, Loosey-Goosey….it takes a whole lot to get a name on The Truth Hurvitz. Ha.
Anyways, this guy wanted on here bad.
He didn’t pay for dinner. Ok, big deal. If I named every guy for making me pay, we would have a flippin’ Yellow Pages. So, no…that wasn’t the only fuck up, BlogBoy. Although, it was a big no-no in the Mensch Book of Dating. My boys will never let a chick pay, I will kill them. Who lets a girl pay for dinner? Or lunch… or anything for that matter. Let me just tell you, if there was any chance of BlogBoy getting any action, he lost it when the bill came, and he said, “You can get this one.” Really? I can get this one? How about I get this one, and you get NOTHING? Like not a fucking thing. Not a kiss, not a hug, and not a vagina in the near future. Lord. What ever happened to chivalry? Dig deep, boys….I’m sure you can find it. Yikes.
He licked my face.
You heard me. He licked my face.
I was looking around for cameras. And Ashton Kutcher. No such luck.
He made me pay for dinner, and then….he licked my flipping face. From my chin to my forehead. One big…long lick. He licked my skin. Like a lollipop. Or a Popsicle. Or a dog licking a bone. Do you understand what I’m saying here? HE LICKED MY FACE. I was just expecting a hug, that’s it! We were standing by the car, I was almost free! I was so close…so, so close. But then, Hannibal Lecter. I think he wanted to taste me? Or maybe he had something on his tongue? Why. Why! Why would someone lick another person? My skin was wet, and I was in shock. I was stunned scared, in fact. I got in my car, and left. I also, used Purell. I actually squirted it all over my hands, and smeared it in on my face. I smelled like when you drool in your sleep, and wake up in a pool of it. I’m making myself dry heave as I type….omg. And no, I don’t drool. But if I did, that is what it would smell like, I’m sure. Duh.
His name, will be The FACE LICKER.
Look, I’m telling you…I will pay for dinner all day, everyday….as long as no one ever licks my face again. I need a moment. To regroup, and just breathe. Don’t you? lol. I am not sure if it was a joke? Or a set up, or what! But I am thinking, yes. YES. He wanted to get on my blog, by licking his way here.
I feel like I need some feedback on this situation. It’s bizarre, right?
I can’t even say another thing. I guess I am speechless. Had to share it. And I am hoping, by sharing….I can save other people out there from being licked. Unless you’re into this kinda stuff. Then, please, lick away. I’m sure there are chat rooms for fetishes like this. Me, no. And I swear to the Goddesses above, if another man ever licks my face again…I will go bat-shit crazy. Please do not lick this chick. At least not on my face. ha. ;)