A best selling book.
An award-winning TV pilot.
My kids are happy, and healthy…
And I’m in a great relationship with a kick-ass man.
What more could a girl possibly want?
Shit. Don’t ask. It should be a no-brainer, right? I mean it should be rhetorical. I should want for nothing! But for shits and giggles (and this blog post) let’s just play my little game of twenty-ish questions, shall we? And no, that doesn’t count as one.
What do I want that I don’t already have?
And the better question is…why can’t what I have just be enough?
Am I ever going to be fucking happy? Am I always going to want more? Need more…strive for more in life. Is it just me? Come on! Am I the only one that can’t seem to quit once I’ve achieved a goal? I published the book, I’ll write another. I got one award, let’s try for one more. More, more…more. Out of ourselves, our relationships…our jobs. Why can’t I just be happy with what I’ve accomplished and enjoy? Where is my therapist? Joanna! I need you back. I clearly cannot do this alone. And I swear I’m ruining my relationship with Number Thirteen, I am. I’m going to lose this incredible man because I can’t be content with what we have. I’m always needing more, wanting more…asking for more.
Why is it never enough?
We communicate differently. So what? All men and women do. I am emotionally charged! Shit, y’all know that. You read me. My feelings jump off the pages; my words are filled with my every emotion. I know I’m a lot. Fuck, I’m more than most men can handle on a coffee date, let alone 10 months. I know this. I also know that Number Thirteen gets me; he isn’t scared. He doesn’t run when I get…ummmm…let’s call it “spirited”? But I am so tough on him. I want more from him. I want him to GIVE ME MORE. More emotion! More feeling. More, more and more.
Why can’t what he feels just be enough?
I know he loves me. He shows me in two-thousand different ways. See, he’s an ACTIONS guy. I am a WORDS girl. You know, the Love Languages. (5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman) It’s that book about the different ways people show affection and love. He’s all action! He shows his love through “acts of kindness” and doing shit. He opens my car door every time I get in the car. He like actually yells at me (so cute) if I even reach for the handle. He holds my hand every second he can. He just does things without me even asking. Like getting me Starbucks (my drink always perfect) or putting water next to the bed. And when I couldn’t afford to fly to Hawaii to see my family, he gave me miles for my trip. Do you know how many miles it takes to FLY to HAWAII? And I wouldn’t have been able to spend Christmas with my Mom if he hadn’t done that for me. I know, right? I know.
Recently, he did the sweetest thing any man has ever done. Now, Y’all might not find this at all romantic but in my book, he wins. We were at a dinner party and the hostess said, “Y’all food’s ready! Guys go first.” He went up to the buffet, filled up a plate…and came over to where I was sitting. He put it down in front of me and said,”Here babe. Need anything else?” I shit you not…Number Thirteen put me Numero Uno. The girls sitting with me were in shock! I smiled, also a little taken aback by his “act of kindness”. When he left to get his food…one of the girls said,”For real? Is he always that good to you?” Without hesitation I said,”Uh-huh.”
And the craziest thing?
Not once during my thirteen years of marriage did Mark ever do such a thing.
Not once. Not ever.
But see…I am all words! I use my words to show affection. Does this at all surprise you? I look at his face, and tell him things that I know no woman has ever said to him…and ya know how I know? Because he stares back at me like a deer in fucking headlights. Ha! He has no clue how to respond! It’s not that he doesn’t feel the same, it’s just that he’d rather do something to show me. I get that. But I don’t care, I just keep talking. I use my words. And I mean them. But I tell him these things because I’m a believer that one day, you might not get the chance to say how you feel…so say it while you can.
Words are important.
And this also goes for how you like to BE loved. I like to hear it. Tell me all day long. Tell me I am pretty, that I’m sexy. Yaaaaaas. Word me up, Baby. And he tells me! He does. He says he loves me. But I want him to tell me 2000 times a day. I’m a thirsty little thing! But c’mon…what woman doesn’t want to hear she’s wanted? Wait, I actually know one. I have a friend that gets wet when her husband does the dishes. For real! Bet there are lots of clean plates in her house!
But therein lies the issue.
Words vs. actions.
Will my words and his actions ever be enough to fill our respective buckets?
Well, duh! If I stop being a needy biatch and trust that Number Thirteen loves me. And Number Thirteen can maybe up his word game just a Tad Martin…then sure! We are golden. This man is about as close to perfect as they come and just because he doesn’t kiss my tuchus 24/7 doesn’t mean he doesn’t think I’m fucking fabulous. I mean, maybe that’s why I still dig him? Maybe all those guys that spewed sunshine but never backed it up with any real action didn’t work out for a reason? Bingo! And maybe that’s why this relationship is actually lasting? Shit. I should write a book or something.
He is enough.
I have enough.
Enough is ENOUGH for fucksake!
And I’ve had just about enough of this topic haven’t you? I’m also pretty sure that is about the 20-ish question on this blog. Right? Right. And I’m kinda tired of using my words. ;)