For the love of god. Please. Who has time for all this bullshit at 41 years old? Not me. I am who I am. I’m not changing shit, I can’t. Not now. Not at this point in my life. Not gonna do it. And really, why should I have to? Why at this time in my life, after being this person…should I have to reinvent the wheel? Why should anyone for that matter? It’s worked up until now, right? Or has it. Fuck.
Not rhetorical. Let’s talk about it. I’m putting it out there, and I’m going to ask the toughest question of myself. Should I change who I am, to fit who I want to be with in my next relationship? And I’m not saying I am going to “settle”! I am saying, maybe the person I was in my marriage, or my last relationship (even though it was for a flippin’ month) didn’t work for a reason. Maybe, I need to alter certain things. Maybe I’m not as FAB as I think I am. ha. Shit. I never claimed to be perfect. I know I have my shtick, but doesn’t everyone? Maybe, I need to bring it down a notch. Not “put it all out there”. Up my meds. Share less? But then, am I being honest? Being real. Being HURVITZ? Am I being me?
I was talking with Mark (my ex) last night, and he reminded me that I like my space. And I like being alone. And I hate being bombarded with stupid shit, and monotonous crap. But I am so annoying. Yup. I am. I actually annoy myself at times. He also reminded me of that. Thanks, Mark. And he told me that I just wanted him for his sperm. Awww, shucks. I was so romantic! I had him at “hello, can I have your sperm”?! Why didn’t he remind me sooner? Woulda saved him about 12 years of his life. But all kidding aside, he is totally right, he gets me (after 13 years)… and he told me I just need to take my time, and sloooow down. I’m always rushing into shit. I mean I told him I was going to marry him on our first date. I wonder if that was before or after I asked for his sperm? hmmm. I’m impulsive. And a little over-emotional. Big whoop. I make a mean grilled cheese.
So, I dated this guy…Wait. I need to say something right now. For all of you, that have stopped talking to me in the past week, because you’ve been “afraid of being blogged about”…have no fear! I have taken the “Bloggers Oath of Silence”. Totes. It’s a real thing that I just made up. And I promise here, in writing..that I will NEVER use real names, or places. But, if you decide to be dumb enough to out yourself, that ain’t my problem. I can’t be responsible for the dip shits that are silly enough to be like, “OMG did you read Jen’s blog last week, I think I was TOTALLY WART BOY”. I mean, come on, people. If you are going to do that, I can’t save you. I just can’t. And when I was at the bar over the weekend, I even pre-warned a group of guys…I said, “yo dumb bunnies, all y’all will be on my blog if you keep saying this stupid shit”! And they were quiet in two seconds. Ha. The power of the blog.
Ok, so..back to the topic at hand. Or at fingers. Me. MEEEE! Me. Am I making some changes or what? And please don’t comment with all the sweet stuff, like no one should change for anyone. Everyone has a “soul mate”. Or, I am perfect the way I am. Besheret, my ass. Maybe, just maybe..I do have to do a little revamping. Look, there may just be a reason why this shits not working. I have to look in the mirror, and really figure out WHY? I mean, I’ll do what I have to do. If it’s broken, fix it. I will fix it. Maybe.
This guy, I dated.. asked me, what he could do differently for the next woman he dated. I thought that was ballsy. I thought, the next woman? What about ME? Why can’t you do something different to be with me, ummm.. hello? Like hi! What’s wrong with me? Ya. Well. I guess that was the point. It was me. I was what was what was wrong. Not him. But I made him a list anyways. And texted it over to him. It was mean, and probably hurt his feelings. I felt better. I guess. Ok, not really. I felt worse. Dating sucks. And breaking up sucks even worse. But.. it is what it is cheese whiz. Part of this game we people play. In search of the “one”…
I just puked in my mouth.
Enough of this! It’s Monday, and it’s time to make a change! Or not. Let me sleep on it. ;)