Tiny socks.

Tiny shoesies.

Tiny bows…

Smallish stuff.

All pink and blue.

And little!

I walked into this store today, to buy my girlfriend’s new baby a gift…and I just about died. Not the reaction I was planning on having, really. But I had it. Pure excitement. I had the boys with me, and I don’t think I have been in a baby store since they were well…um, babies? No, has it been that long? Wow. My boys are gargantuan man-children! They have zits, and armpit hair for fucksake. Why would I have to go into a baby store? Anyway, I walk in…and I swear its like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory of baby crap. Well, sans the chocolate. Although, there were bulk-candy M&M’s that you could monogram! I’m so sure. They never had shit like that when I was preggers. And of course, I found Zac with a handful. Only my kid would think they were “free”. But I was in heaven. And I started picking up the stuff, kvelling. I actually held the fuzzy stuffed animals up to my face, and smelled them. For reals. I smelled, and touched everything. And I didn’t even care who was watching. I was so happy, surrounded by all things baby.

Knee deep in baby shit. And I was loving it.

I found a cute blanket for my girlfriend’s little girl. Actually, the same exact one that my kids used. And one of my most favorite children’s books that I read to Jonah, The Rainbow Fish. Remember that one? So good. And I started to get this little lump in my throat. So, I told the boys to go outside and wait for me. I asked the young, pretty…perky-breasted sales girl to wrap up the gift. And I started to cry. Yuppers, I did. I actually started to cry in the fucking baby store. No, I’m not getting my period, and no…I don’t want another kid. I just think, maybe it all hit me. I am old. I am barren. And I am done being a baby-mama.

Holy shit.

My babies are grown up, and they don’t need me anymore! Omg. Is this true? As the girl is in the back wrapping up the gift…I am crouched down by the breast pumps, realizing my life as a Mom is quickly coming to an end! Make it stop. Make it all slow down.

Freeze time, please.

I love them more than my eyes. These two are my life. And I couldn’t even imagine starting over… like having another baby. Hell no! Please, throw me onto a spear. But for a few minutes, looking at the cribs, and the car seats…and the baby clothes, I actually imagined it. I kinda pictured holding a baby again. Do you girls ever do that? Imagine having a baby with the guy you’re dating? Shit, that’s a whole other blog. Opens a whole can of worms, right? So much to think about, and discuss. I’m pretty sure that ship has sailed for me. This kitchen is closed. Closed. Done. Finito! Ummm…unless…I mean, what if I adopted a baby? They just smell so good! And aren’t they so sweet? And all the cute stuff! And…

Then, as I was thanking the Perky Tits Girl for the help, my two “babies” came storming back into the store…yelling, and ranting! Per usual. I mean, it had been ten whole minutes, after all. Zac swearing about Jonah kicking his ass, and Jonah saying he didn’t do it of course. And Zac saying he had a “brain bleed”…and Jonah saying he was a “demented fuckhead”. And then there was me, apologizing to the women at the store, throwing my hands in the air…and walking out with my two vilde chaya. (crazies, for the non-jews)

Like I said, I am perfectly perfect with my two man-children. NO BABIES ON BOARD is the exact signage I want in my back window. No babies, no booties…no blankies. Just Jonah, and Zac…and a hot guy that wants to ride shotgun. Or drive my truck. Or even better, has a motorcycle! That way, in 5 years when these two crazy-ass boys are in college….we can ride off into the sunset. Taking applications! ;)

xo j


  • lisa

    Ha!! Love it!!I need the same bumper sticker!!