“Ummm, so you’re a JEW?”
Ha. Well, ya shmuck. I’m a Jew. Every bit of me. Top to bottom. Every cell of my being. Even my pussy, shit outta luck. It’s all JEW. Ain’t I sweet? I was in shock.I mean, come on, y’all wouldn’t you be? It’s fucking 2014! (Sorry, Mom, but that totally warranted the f-bomb). It’s not like we are back in the 70’s when my parents got married, and “birds and fish just couldn’t last together.” When Jews had “horns”. My mom is Catholic, and my dad is Jewish. So, actually Alex, who my friends and I refer to as “Jew-Hater”, I am not really even ALL Jewish. I’m only a HALF-JEW! A “cashew”, if you will. Jeez, Jew-Hater, you kicked me to the curb for nothing, We could have been something! We would’ve been in love. And lived happily ever after.. and you sent me home in a cab, just for being “A JEW”! What gave it away? Was it my last name, or my Hebrew tattoo…omg. I’m flipping dying over here. I swear, laughing as I type. Fuck, what an dumb ass. And truly, he was the nicest, hottest, gun-slinging-baptist boy ever! Why are the good ones such dip shits? In Jew-Haters defense, he did apologize up and down saying,”he was just uneducated in the proper way to ask me about my religion”. I felt kinda bad for him. See, Jen, run. Run, Jen, Run.. ha.
So, let me help educate you all, on Jewish girls. Oy Vey. If you’re Jewish, and don’t agree, or I offend you..get your own blog. And if you’re not Jewish, listen up, because the next time I’m out at Selwyn Irish Pub, and one of you douche bags ask if “Jewish girls can date guys that eat pork”, I might knock you out. For reals.
Here goes nothing.
To all of you fellas BELOW THE BIBLE BELT, OR THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER MET A JEW…. let me give you a little hint, the stereotypes for Jewish women are NOT all true. We are not all fat. In fact, most of us are too skinny. We may think we are fat, but so what. We do not all have dark hair, and big noses. Some of us are actually blond. Or have red hair. And we are tricky lil’ things. We may have had plastic surgery, like a nose job. Just saying. We don’t all have big mouths, and bad attitudes. But then again, some of us do. We are strong. And we are real. We are amazing mothers. And listen up, I’m not saying non-Jewish girls aren’t, ok? I’m just saying.. Jewish women are wicked, moms. Don’t fuck with us. Ever come across a Jewish Mom? Ya, well.. mess with me, just try it. Try and mess with my kids, I dare you. And we talk with our hands. All of us. There is not a Jewish girl that doesn’t look like she’s swatting at some bug while she’s yapping. It’s just who we are. Deal.
As for dating a Jewish girl.. we are the best at ordering at a restaurant. We like everything “dry”. And in the South, that is not a thing. DRY is just the opposite of wet. But to a Jewish girl, “dry” means NO BUTTER, no oil, no fat. NO TASTE. You heard me, guys. We like our shit flavor free, and calorie free. Dry, and “on the side”. Everything is on-the-fucking-side. Don’t be putting my dressing ON my salad. Bitch please! I said “on the side”. Or it’s going back. And I don’t care if it takes me 20 minutes to order my lunch. I want it how I want it. And don’t call me high maintenance. I think I’m low maintenance. Sally has nothing on me. And If I wanted to cook it myself, I would. But I can’t. Cause I’m Jewish. I don’t cook, I order. Whoops! Stereotype. Most Jewish girls don’t cook. But a lot of us do. I have a great mother-in-law that cooks like you wouldn’t believe. OMG. And a girlfriend that is one of the best cooks, ever! But this Jewish girl would rather poke her eyes out than make a Brisket for a holiday. Crap, I just realized I lost that brisket in the divorce. Dammit. I loved that damn beef. Focus, Jen.And there are stereotypes about Jewish girls in the bedroom, too. Come on, all y’all! Here is where my Dad needs to stop reading. Daddy, look away from the screen! Mom, you can handle this, hang tight. Jewish girls do put out. We do. I have NO idea who started that rumor, but it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Who said Jewish girls don’t like to give blow jobs? Was it my ex-husband? Did he say that? Maybe we get tired after all that shopping we do all day, and getting our nails done.. and ordering our DRY omelets at restaurants, and playing tennis. Yeesh. Give me a break, Jewish chickies rock. And we do like pork. Don’t listen to everything you hear, Southern Fellers. We give blow jobs, if we swallow, it’s a bonus. Don’t be greedy.
I am here to educate below the Bible Belt. Cause I just can’t even believe how many men I’ve come across , that have never MET a Jew. MET A JEW. Like holy shit. How have you never met a Jewish woman? Am I living in 1950? I just can’t believe that I sat across from a guy who told me he could never feel comfortable introducing me to his “Momma”. Well, Momma, do you think I would feel comfortable meeting you? And Momma, truly…you are not going to be invited to Jonah’s Bar Mitzvah next year. I just crossed you off the list. So sad.Hope this didn’t upset anyone, but helped to clear up a few things. I know it made me feel a little bit better about being Jewish in Charlotte. Kinda like Sleepless in Seattle. Ok, nothing like that. Just grasping for something.. anything. And “Jew-Hater”, I adore you. I’ll go out with you again after you read this, and answer a few simple questions. ;)