imagesI’m just sitting here.

Numb.

Listening.

But not really…

I only see his lips moving.

He says the ultrasound is “inconclusive”.

Ok, so what now? I am in shock… my doctor tells me he wants to do some biopsies. Oh, ok. Next week? Surely there is no rush! Oh, today. Jesus, right fucking now? He wants me to get undressed from the waist down, he’ll be back. No waiting. No return visit. Today. Ummm…well fuck. I’ve worked for enough doctors to know, this ain’t good. We need more information quickly. But this time, it wasn’t info on someone else. Or for some chart number, that I’d just file away at the end of the afternoon. It was for me. I am the one sitting here in the office…worried. And scared. And very, very alone. I am the patient. Wow.

He leaves the room, and I start to get undressed.

As I sit here, with my bare ass on the table,

I start to think…

What if I have cancer? 

Ok, so I’m jumping the gun. But you’d go there, too. It’s natural, right? My heart racing, my head going all sorts of places…I start crying. My boys. Omg…my boys. I mean, what the fuck will they do? And I hate my head. I do. (I reach up to touch my hair) I just can’t even imagine myself bald. What? I’m like the vainest asshole ever! Hello! I can feel my blood pressure rising. Or wait, maybe it’s falling? But I keep spiraling out… my life just can’t be over. Not yet. I have so much left to live. I take a deep breath in, and look at my phone. Oh, it’s on the chair across the room, which totally sucks because I need to text. But I am half-naked! And you know the minute I jump off the table to get it, the doctor will walk in…and catch me with my ass hanging out.

You know that’s how shit happens to me.

I’m that girl.

I have that kinda luck. I’m the one that has my vagina hanging out when the door swings open. I should just leave the damn cell phone on the chair. But no! I have to have it! So, as I’m eyeing it from the exam table…suddenly a text pops up! It’s my man. Yay! And just seeing his name makes me feel better. He is like the most “half-full” kinda guy ever. It’s actually quite annoying at times, especially, for a “half-empty-gal” like me! But he makes the worst of situations better. He is just perpetually positive! I am so lucky to have him, and he actually feels lucky to have me. So weird. He feels lucky? Doesn’t he know that I’m the lucky one? Omg, I need to talk to him, so I hop off…and grab the phone! My ass and vagina fully exposed…

And of course…the NURSE walks in!

Just my luck!!!

She has to set up for the procedure, and seems completely unimpressed by my stupidity. Ha! I jump back up, and cover up my junk. I chuckle, and say how I’m so relieved that it’s not the Doc! She rolls her eyes, and leaves. Salty bitch. Doesn’t she know I’m dying? Read my chart, lady…I’m on the road to nowhere! Well, lucky for me it was just the nurse. And lucky that I got a pedicure the day before. Nice to have pretty toes when you have your feet up in the stirrups. And lucky for my doc that I just happened to have shaved the little girl, too! Just saying. You never know when shit’s gonna go south. Pun intended. Ok, I’m obviously a little nervous. Where am I? Oh ya, my doctor does the biopsies, tells me to relax…I’ll hear from him on Monday.

Relax? Now that is funny shit. I have to wait until Monday to hear the results? Should be a fabulous weekend. I’ll surely get lots done…maybe do some Hanukkah shopping. Maybe make some cookies…go for a massage. Right. So, I leave the office and call Mark. I tell him to change the will, and up my life insurance. Of course, he laughs…and calls me a fucking idiot. Then I text the boys at school. I know, it’s against the rules. But I don’t care. Then my guy…and duh! He texts back something totally happy. Well, maybe not totally happy. More like, happy-ish. How happy can he be?

I am clearly dying.

At this point, in my head…I am going to die.

So, it was the longest 24 hours of my life…but then the “ALL CLEAR” email comes in late Friday night! Thank Goddess. No cancer. I start to cry. A relief cry. I have never been so relieved in all my life. I am the luckiest woman in the world. Holy shit, I’m so happy. And now I’m seeing things with a little more importance. I am more appreciative of what I have, and the people that I love. Of my breath, and my health…I truly know how lucky I am. I am LUCKY DAMMIT! And grateful, too. And sure, maybe it shouldn’t take a cancer scare to make me see all of this. But shit, I’m not perfect. Are you?

And let’s be honest, over the past year…I haven’t been the luckiest girl on the block. But looks like for whatever reason, my shit’s turning around! And I’ll take it. Lucky in life, lucky in health…and lucky in love. Anyone wanna go to the casino? I’m feeling kinda lucky!  ;)

xo j