Period. But here we go again. And I know, this time it’s not supposed to affect me. Effect? Affect. I think. This change that’s happening is not about me, but it is. So let’s just get it going. Mark is moving this weekend. Yuppers. He sold our house. Well, his house. But it’s my house, too. Ugh. Fuck it, let me start from the beginning, and all y’all try and follow along. We lived together in the house he is in NOW, when we were married. We got separated, then I moved into the house I am in NOW with my boys. (ok, I kinda skipped the “nesting” part, but Lordy I’m not explaining that) Are you with me? Good. Then, last month, he sold his house…that is still really “our” house, do you understand? And I know it’s not supposed to bother me. But it does. It is. Dammit, I am upset. ok? I am sad all over again. And I hate change, which is the reason why I started this entry in the first place. Yeesh. I’m fucking exhausted. Hold on, I need a big ole swig of my wine…
Ok, I’m back. And now this should get easier…seeing as I’m two sheets to the wind. What the hell does that mean anyway? Two sheets to the wind? So dumb. Whatever. Mark is packing the house tomorrow. His house, and he is moving into an apartment. Ugh. And I’m just bamboozled. I’m all out of sorts, and not sure how to feel. Should I be happy for them? I mean they get to move to a really cool location! Right behind Dean and Deluca and the movie theatre! They can walk there…that’s kinda fun, no? And Zac is mega excited! He says its like living in a super-sized hotel room. He is always so dang positive. Then there’s Jonah. He’s just fucking pissed. Mad as hell. He’s all like, “Are you kidding me, Mom? An apartment? What the fuck! Is this like one of those Disney shows or something?” Hmmm. Can you say, entitled? Nah, he’s just sad to leave his home. Jonah doesn’t really do well with change either. He’s like me. I hate it. I hate new smells, and new noises. I hate not knowing exactly where the toilet is, for fucksake. I just hate change. Boo.
And the worst thing? It’s reopening all my old wounds. Mark is sending over all my shit that I left in the big house. My wedding gown, all the photo albums…the china. All the kids toys, and games. Everything. Jesus! Why don’t you just rip open my chest and stab me in the fucking heart, Mark! Ok, it’s not that bad. And sure, I can use my everyday china…I’m short on dishes over here. And yes, I do want the white Teak chairs for my deck. Perfect. And while he’s at it…I’d be happy to take the antique book cabinet that’s in the dining room! Omg. What else does he have over there! Half that shit is MINE! I kid. I am kidding. Kinda. But I do feel bad for him, truly. I was able to move on two years ago. Ya know, put it behind me? He is just doing it now…
Not really fair when you think about it.
So, I offered to help by taking the boys a day early this week. That will give him some extra time to pack and sort out his shit. I know, I’m clearly the best Ex wife in all the land. lol. I am not the best by any stretch, but I do how hard this will be. And I can understand the hurt he’s going to feel over the next few days. I remember two years ago, sitting in that house packing up my things…how badly my heart ached. Boxing up my clothes, and the pictures. Taking the stuff I thought I wanted to make my new place mine. And now, he has to do it with the boy’s things, too. And he is moving into an apartment. Not exactly where he thought he would be two years after our divorce. Ugh. What a fucking nightmare, right? Putting most of his shit into storage. And then moving again someday? Kill me now.
But divorce isn’t easy. We make choices, and the truth of it is…neither of us needs such a huge house. Too big for 3 people, and WAY too big for one person on the off week. So, the boys are losing their stable home. And I am losing my “dream house,” and Mark is losing his outdoor fireplace (and maybe a little bit of his pride). Sounds so obnoxious, right? It’s only a house. But it’s our home. The boys home. It is the last thing they have left from our family. Ugh. I just got a huge lump in my throat. Why is this so hard? I said my goodbyes 2 years ago, that’s why! I did this already. And now, I have to do it again. I want to SCREAM!!! I know they will be okay, wherever they lay their hats…ya. I know.
My boys are rockstars. Flat out flipping rockstars. Change is never easy, but it has made us all stronger. We are all healthy…and I know things could be so much worse. And this time next week, they will be settled with their Dad in his new digs. Just the three guys, and those two little asshole Frenchie Dogs. I hate those little fuckers. I am so happy I lost them in the divorce. Now, that was the best change that ever happened to me. I kid. I’m kidding. Kinda. ;)