Lifestyle

We mock what we do not understand.images-1

And let me just say this….

I

do not

understand.

I can not fathom how normal human beings (by normal I mean non-SuperHeros) can do the things that CrossFitters do. Oh, sorry…My bad. Do Y’all know this CrossFit shit? These ULTRA-insane looking men and woman who have like zero body fat and are able to leap small buildings in a single….oh wait, that’s not a CrossFitter. That’s fucking Superman. But I swear to Goddess, they are one in the same. Have you seen these people? Holy Hardbodies, Hurvitz. Wake up! Why in the hell am I dating a CrossFitter?

Why when I smash Duck Donuts like it’s my job…would I EVER fall for a guy that counts macros, and runs twelve miles in a weighted vest for FUN?

imagesI have an addiction.

I try to hide it.

Convince myself it’s a non-issue.

But the first step is admitting…

So, I’m here to tell the world. I know y’all are assuming it’s Starbucks. Or online shopping! Smoking in my garage when I’m alone, or drinking too much wine? Fuck no. I wish. But my addiction is much bigger than all of those things combined. Hell, it’s bigger than ME. And it affects so many other women across our nation. I am not alone, others feel my pain; understand the demons I fight every, single day.

Other women between the ages of 32-55 to be exact. 

unknown-2I am a genius.

One smart cookie.

Brilliant, If I do say so myself…

Fucking off the charts intelligent.

A rocket scientist!

Ok, ok. Who am I kidding? I am none of the above. But shit, it was sure fun to say all of that stuff! A genius, I am not. A rocket scientist? Yeesh. I’m lucky if I can find North Dakota on a map! Crap, there is a North Dakota, right? I mean, we all have our strong points. I am smart at certain shit. For example, I can tell you all the parts of a cell. Yes I can! What, it’s not important to know the parts of a fucking cell? Omg. Well, maybe it is! Maybe, that would impress a date of mine, ok? Like a nucleus is a big deal, since it is the “brain” of the cell and all. (Impressed, much?)  Just because it’s not one of the Nifty-Fifty States, doesn’t mean it’s not a pertinent piece of info! And who really needs to know what the state shell of North Carolina is anyway? Did all y’all know that North Carolina actually has a STATE SHELL? Well it does, and I know it. It’s the Scotch Bonnet.

So there. I guess that makes me super-duper smart.

But is intelligence everything? 

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You’re a mean one, 

Mr. Grinch. 

You really are a heel, 

You’re as cuddly as a cactus,

You’re as charming as an eel…

Mr. Grinch. 

You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel!

La, la…laaa! I’m trying to make up lyrics to a new song. For me to sing when all those dang kids come-a-knockin’ on Monday. Oh, it is Monday, right? Damn this Halloween thing! I hate it. I just do. Ohhhh shut up! Don’t start sending me hate-comments and unsubscribing to my blog…I’m allowed to HATE HALLOWEEN! Jesus. You do know, it’s like the most annoying holiday ever? I used to love it. When my kids were little, ohhhhh they were so cute! They dressed up like little monkeys, or pirates. Jonah was even a pea pod one year. I mean, really? Did I actually dress my kid up like a vegetable? Yes, I did. And do you know why? So that I could then put a SNOW suit over it, and moon-boots… and drag his ass in a wagon from door-to-door, in the freezing cold…singing, “Trick-or-treat…smell my feet!” Then he would scream. OH, wait just a minute. I just remembered this! If there was a DOG at any of the houses, Zac would literally lose his guts. Yes, he would. He was like 4, and petrified of dogs. He would get to the door, and knock…already shaking…and see the tiniest-kick-me dog. Then, he would start shrieking and run down to us. Crying, and yelling…”A dog!!!”

Who doesn’t love Halloween?