images-2Facebook.

Twitter.

LinkedIn.

Pinterest.

Zappos.

And Nordstrom.

Yup. That’s about it, folks. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past 48 hours. Surfing the web and filling my time while I watch my kid suffer. And when I say “suffer” I mean, bitch and moan while he fights a low grade fever. Not really suffer. Suffering is like pretty bold choice of words. Suffering is a child with a real illness, or a woman battling cancer…ugh. Poo-poo. Not my over-entitled 14-year old eating Flavor Ice and watching SpongeBob. So, I digress. I’ve been here, sitting on the couch surfing the net, while my kid slowly gets better. Phew. There, that’s more like it. Anywhoo, what is up, all ya’ll? What’s shakin? What the hell is going on? I’m talking to my screen. I am that bored.

Someone save me.

Someone please get me out of this germ-infested hell hole.

Someone just talk to me.

Wow. You’d think I would do something productive. Like reorganize some closets, or clean out the boy’s rooms. Maybe some laundry? Pay my bills, straighten up the garage…but no. I’m just here. Bored, bitchy, and blogging. Yuppers. And you know what I’m usually doing to fill all my time? Wait for it…I’m usually on-line looking for a MAN! Yes. I admit it! I am! I am usually talking, or chatting it up with some guy from Match, or a Tinderlicious someone. But now that I’m off the market, my fingers have been otherwise occupied with shopping sites. I have resorted to spending money. Dammit. I bought shoes, and a new toothbrush today. And yesterday, I ordered a new lamp. Oh, and this snazzy-new piece of artwork for my foyer. Who orders art on-line? Rhetorical.

And I’ve been posting on Facebook like a fucking madwoman. Like the dumbest shit. I need to get a life, but really what else should I do while locked in a house with a sicko? Not me, ass. My kid. He’s contagious until his fever is gone for 24 hours. YES he is! And I’m not going to be that dick mother that let’s her kid out before the time is up, either. Because THAT IS HOW MY KID GOT SICK, DUH! ¬†If you don’t keep your fucking kids home, other kids will get sick. OMG is this like rocket science? No. It’s not. It’s common sense. Jonah is home, he is sick. Jonah will stay home until Jonah is not sick. Fuck. Parenting 101. Do I need to come over and teach you how to wipe their asses, too? Front to back! Good Goddess, I can’t take it.

Obviously, I’m a bit testy. Or is it testie. Whatever, I need a shower and a manicure. Which isn’t happening anytime soon, unfortunately. The mani, not the shower. The shower is happening when I finish this blog. Oh wait! It’s almost tomorrow! And tomorrow I get to pick up my ZAC! He’s coming home from camp! Sigh. I missed the hell out of that little fella. I know, it’s good for him, to go…but I am never sending him again. He belongs with me, in my house… playing video games and watching tv all summer. Hmmm. Camp Jen sounds awesome! Not. I know, I have to cut the cord. It’s just so hard. Especially when I already miss half of his life because of this stupid divorce. I don’t think married peeps get that, or even really think about it. I mean, why should they? It’s not in your think tank. But get this, I have my kids HALF of their lives. Ya. Sucks when you think about it that way, huh?

Well, I did. I thought about it every single day for about 2 years before we decided to pull the plug on our marriage. And I stayed married because of it; losing my kids. Not seeing them every single day. Not putting them to bed every night. So, I stayed married. What, you didn’t? Liar. You did, and the guy at work did. And the friend down the street, she did. Just about everyone you know stayed married longer than they probably should have, just for their kiddos. And that’s ok. It’s OKAY. Doesn’t ¬†everyone that contemplates a divorce think about losing their children? Missing out on the big stuff. Not seeing them 50% of the time. YES. And when you stop, and really let that sink in…shit. I have cried big time over it. So, even 2 weeks away from Zac bites the big one. It’s two weeks more that he is sucked out of my 50 percent. Ugh.

Well, crap! This blog went south pretty dang fast! Sorry, my blood sugar must be low. Fuck, I need a snack. Or a glass of wine. Hell, I need a snack and a glass of wine. Anyway…I get Zac back tomorrow. And I know he had a blast! He’s coming home to a sick brother, and a tired mom…but he’s coming HOME! And I can’t wait to mush up his face. If he still lets me at 12 years old. Probably not, huh? Well, too damn bad, he came out of my vagina…I will kiss him if I want to! I’m the mother! And that is the rule in my house: If you come out of my vagina, I can do whatever I want to you.

Actually, I kinda think that rule should apply in life as well: If you come in my vagina, I can do whatever I want to you. Oh, I meant out of. Out of my vagina…Dammit. ;)

xo j

 

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