Even her beautiful, bouncy…
Hair. I just sat there holding my iPhone looking at the screen. At the video of the perfectly toned girl squatting, up and down…and up and down. And then, she yelled out, “If you want an ass that looks like mine, just get up and get it!” I was like, really? That’s all I have to do, just get up and get it? Fuck. If it was that easy, don’t you think I would have an ASS that looked like yours? But no, I just sat there…watching this gorgeously-skinny bitch holler at me. I know, you would think by exercise five, or six I would be motived to get up. Get off the couch, and start my own pliés and hip-thrusts. Yeah, not so much. I just sat there, in my reclining position…chomping on Wheat Thins. My feet up on the couch; happy as a clam.
Me, myself and my fat-ass.
Even my Dad laughed at me. From across the room he said, “Jen, it won’t do you any good to just lay there and watch her do the exercises!” Well, no shit, Art. But truthfully, just watching the chick made me sweat. I hurt for her. She really cannot be enjoying herself. Hmmm. The girl looks happy, I’ll give her that. She is clearly “bootylicious” like she claims to be. But is she actually a pleasant person? Ya, ya her endorphins are up…and I’m sure because she is skinny she’s thrilled with herself. But do you think she ever sucks down a fucking Krispy Kreme? Or inhales a big-honkin’ scoop of Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food?
Now that is happiness.
Ok, so I keep on watching, and the butt-stuff keeps on going. She begins the lunge set. Holy hell the lunges are torture! I can’t even stand the lunges! Why is she so frickin’ ecstatic about the lunges? My heart rate is starting to go up just looking at her. And the side-kicks, and the roundhouse kicks. Then the power jumping jacks! Make it STOP! And I am up now from my reclining position…in fact, I’m sitting up! And then, she starts up again with the motivational hoo-ha: “You can’t run from your booty, gotta get right in!” Wow. You can’t run from the booty. And I have to get in where? I’m dying. I can’t even listen to this shit for one more second! But she is totally correct, especially in my case. I cannot escape my ass. It’s the only part of my body that I could survive off of if I was in the movie Alive. Yes, it’s true. People could eat for like two years off of my ass. Truth. I could feed a small country off my butt blubber.
You can’t escape the booty, Jen.
So I did it.
I got up, and I started doing the fucking butt video. And I didn’t stop until the bitch was done screaming at me. The lunges, and the hip thrusting. The deep-plunging pliés, and the fat burning-upside-down ass munchers. Whatever, I did it. And then, I fell to the floor in my bathroom. Gasping for air, as I crawled to the family room…I laid on the rug. I wish I was kidding. The entire thing took me like all of 20 minutes, but I felt like I had run the Boston Marathon. Embarrassing, I know, pathetic. I stripped down to my skivvies, cursed the Bootylicious video whore…and passed out. My mom was like, “Jen, are you okay?” I could barely get the words out, all breathy I said, “Mommy, I swear…she tried to kill me.” Then I fell asleep for an hour.
When I woke up, my ass was throbbing.
Ok, that didn’t sound good. My gluteus maximums was burning. Yeesh. I was in pain, ok? My ass hurt. In fact, it’s hurting right now (hours later) as I’m typing. I’m sitting on it, the biggest muscle in my body…and it’s killing me. Why do we do this to ourselves? I can’t walk up the stairs, I can’t sit down to take a piss. And I know tomorrow, I’m going to be in even more pain…so why? Well, it’s easy. I have a girl’s trip this weekend, and this ass needs to get into a bikini. And because I’m single, and I this ass needs to get slapped every now and then. (Sorry, Daddy) And because some Bootylicious bitch told me that this ass needs to get skinny!
Now, who has the name of a good plastic surgeon? This ass needs a little lipo. Working out is a fucking pain in the ass. ;)