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No sugar.

No bread.

No fruit.

No pasta.

NO fucking way.

I am back at it all y’all. And if I were you, I wouldn’t come anywhere near me. I am a biatch. How can I be anything else but a bitch, when I’m frickin’ starving? I mean, I am slowly fading away into a carb-free version of the Jennifer I once knew. I am back at the working out, too. I have to say, I clearly have a love-hate relationship with sweating. I love sweat, I just hate it on me. That’s right. You heard me. Love sweat on someone else, all glistening and pretty. Guys, after a workout. Yum. Just as long as it’s not near me. Or my clothes. Or anywhere else for that matter. Sweating is well, sweaty. You all know this. It’s who I am, get over it.

But every now and then, I do get the urge to get off my ass and do a little exercising. I mean, if there is a solid reason. Like when I am between boyfriends, for example. Whatever! You all know what I’m talking about! You gain those “happy pounds” when you’re dating. You sit around, eat together…and pork up. You’re all in love, and goo-goo over each other…so you let the fat store up. You skip workouts. You say that fucking will be your exercise. Ya, right. Give me a break. No one is screwing enough to burn off that cheesecake you “split” at dinner. Or that Thai you ate in front of the TV last night. I think I’ve actually blogged about this before. You know,”Packing on the Love Pounds“. Ya well, I am obviously stuck with a few, “I fucking hate you Mr.Tennesse, and I hope your dick shrivels up and falls off” Pounds. And those are even tougher to lose. I might need lipo, STAT. 

Come on, there isn’t a guy’s profile on a dating site that doesn’t say something about working out. Or being outdoors. Or hiking, or biking…or sweating. Hell, I’m like…who wants to watch movies, and screw? ME! I want there to be a guy’s profile that reads,”I’m looking for a girl that likes to shop, hang out on the couch, and eat.” Where is that dude? I mean why does every single man in the world love to be outside? Really. There is no way you all want to climb Mt.Everest!  I had a good friend tell me, he would never stay with me if I got fat. I asked him if he would stay with me if I got my face burned off in a fire, and he said, “Absolutely”. Well, thank Goddess for small favors. Guess he’d rather have a girl with a great body than a pretty face? Yeesh. I mean if my face gets burned off in a fire, chances are…I’m going to be eating Ben and Jerry’s until the cows come home. And then, I would get chubby. And he wouldn’t want me at all! I would be a fatty with my face burned off!

Omg. What is wrong with me?

I’ll tell you ok? I was at lunch today with my girl, Tammy. And across from me was that horrific bitch that Mark used to date! Remember the one that told me my BLOG SUCKED!? Yes, that one. She was at the next table, wearing the stupidest dress I have ever seen….And she pretended not to see me. And I pretended not to see her. But I wanted to chuck my fork at her forehead. I texted Mark, and told him she was there. I know, so high school…but it made me feel better. That bitch made me cry. She told me I would be nothing. That my blog would be nothing. And I sat there and listened to her. Do ya’ll remember that?

And a year later, I’m still here. What did she know, anywhoo?

Ya. So, I am all wound up.

And I know she saw me, cause she was acting all nervous. And doing this weird thing with her hair…and she kept walking by me. I’m like, I see you, ho! And she was sweating. I mean, it is like 300 degrees in Charlotte, but the bitch was totally sweating. Little, tiny droplets of sweat…dripping from her brow. And like I said, I don’t mind sweat…as long as it’s not on me. And she was inhaling the bread basket. Who knows, maybe she’s at her fighting weight? ;)

xo j

 

 

  • Jim

    You might be the funniest writer I’ve ever read,,,,