You know what they say…..

one person’s trash, is another person’s treasure.

Not.

Ya, well. She can have him.

Take my TRASH you dumb bitch, he’s all yours!

Sorry, you’ve caught me in a mood. A bad-ass stinking mood. But these little mini-dramas in my day-to-day life really do lend themselves to the best blog topics, dont’cha think? I mean it just can’t be this easy. This blog can basically write it’s fucking self at this point. All I have to do is walk out of my house in the morning, and I have a blog entry by noon. Fuck, it’s that simple. Today, was a hoot. Nah, not a hoot, a joke. And it goes a little something like this….

But first, I need your help. Do you mind? Just so I don’t feel like a total and complete asshole, can you answer a few questions for me? I know, duh…I can’t hear you, but I don’t have to. I already know what you’re gonna say. I just need to ask anyway. It’s a quiz! I love quizzes. As long as I have the answers, written on the palm of my hand. So I can cheat. I hate losing, or messing up. And I never like to be wrong. I am hardly ever wrong. When I know, I know. It’s intuition. Like today, when I found out one of my “friends” is sleeping with my ex boyfriend. I knew it! Ding-dong. Never wrong! If you feel it, girls, you’re usually correct. Go with it. Whoa… way off topic. So I digress. And listen up, it’s not that I’m jealous. Hear me. I am not jealous that she is fucking my ex boyfriend, or has my ex….or is dating my ex. Who cares about him. TAKE THE LOSER. I am with a better man. That wasn’t nice…a better man for me. Right. lol. What bugs me, is that she didn’t tell me. Which leads me to my first question, ok?

Why didn’t my so-called “friend” tell me she is dating my ex boyfriend? I mean, do I look like I’d get mad? haha. Am I unapproachable? Scary. C’mon. I’m sweet. Our kids all go to the same flippin’ school for Goddess’s sake. Did she actually think I would never find out? And everyone knows that I was in love with him! Or so I thought, which is not the point! OMG. I fucking blogged about the guy. As my FRIEND, and a WOMAN don’t you like have some kind of girlish-codish thing? SHIT! I had to hear it in the PDS Ferryboat! Let me explain. At my kid’s school, only the best in all the land…for real, I just need to plug it. Providence Day School. The best independent school in the world, and the reason I am still in North Carolina….has this carpool system, and I swear it is run like a fine oiled machine. And in the South, we are all outside, for an hour…in this carpool, waiting on our kids. So, it becomes like an event. We call it “The Ferryboat”. And it’s where everyone gossips about everything. Love it. Love it. And love it. Except for the days, that find out little juicy tidbits of knowledge that everyone else seems to know, but me.  Who wants to get a pop in the face? Next question….

Do I confront the bitch that obviously could give a rat’s ass about me, and only cares about penis? Well, that is simple. Of course I do. And she will tell me the truth. In a calm, and civil manner. Duh. Hmmm. I do seem a little upset, don’t I? Maybe I should take something before reaching out. I mean, I surely want her to know… I don’t have any feelings for this man. And my only reason for calling her out is to let her know, I think she’s a slut. And a really shitty friend. Oh, and it will make me feel SO much better. Wanna know the absolute worst thing? I shared really personal stuff with her. Ugh. So, I’m mortified. I told her things about the relationship, I would have never told her…if I knew she was going to end up in his bed. Gross. I feel so dumb. And I think, I will confront her. She clearly cares more about getting laid, than she does about being friends. Yuck. And on the flip side? I told my ex everything about me. Everything. I trusted him, with my heart. And private info. I thought he was the one. Stupid me. And now, he will tell her. And she will probably blab all my personal crap all over school. Hold on, I think I want to go throw up. I mean, aren’t you like, NOT SUPPOSED to date a guy your friend dated?? How fucked up. Or at least wait a year. Or 6 months. Jeeeezzzzzus.

Do you think there’s a chance they really, really are in love…and I should be the bigger person, and just let this go? Omg. Please tell me you are kidding. There is NO way. How could they actually be in love. Or right for each other? She is smart, and has a killer body. And is blond. She’s fun. Like ME. Hmmmm. I mean she is my friend after all. And I did like him so much, too. I guess he was nice. At times. Wait, is it possible that I am a good judge of character, and maybe they could actually work? And maybe, just maybe…I should have fixed them up myself? And like taken all the credit!! OMG YES! I am so good!!! I rock at playing matchmaker! And seriously, I am in the best place with my man, so why do I give a fuck? I don’t. It’s not about that, just that she didn’t tell me. Someone could have told me. Don’t you all think one of them should have told me??!!! Just picked up the phone, and given me a little-itty-bitty head’s up. “Hi Jen, just wanted to let you know, I started fucking your ex when the body was still warm.” Or is it, before the body was cold? Whatever. Yeesh. A girl can’t catch a break around here. Or maybe it was none of my business. Nahhhh. Fuck that. It was totally my biz. Are you sticking up for her? Do not stick up for another bitch on this blog, people. It was so my biz. lol.

So, thanks. For the help. I feel so much better. Been a great week, not. I signed my divorce papers on Tuesday. Totally bittersweet. Cried for an hour in the parking lot. Not cause I was upset, just because it is over. My marriage. That chapter, is done. Not what I expected, ya know? On Wednesday, I found out…they discontinued my favorite eyeliner. And today, my friend is boffing my ex. Good times. Pour the wine, my friends. And I am using that term lightly these days. Just in case you are fucking any of my exes. ha. Wait, some of my friends actually married my exes. Life is so weird. ;)

xo j