I try to leave.
I’ve tried a million times.
I break up with him.
I say we will never work.
He’s not my “type.”
I make a list of why we shouldn’t be together; I bad mouth him to my friends…convincing myself we have no future. I fight with him to test us; not even knowing I’m doing it. But I am. A year later, and I am still insecure and scared. Should I trust this?
But he never gives up; he never lets me go.
He is my person.
But this time, he did.
Oh, I mean he let me go. Two weeks ago I pulled my insecure bullshit again, and when I said,”I am done!” He said,”Ok.” I got quiet,”Umm, Ok?” He paused,”Ya, Jennifer, Ok. You win, I can’t fucking take this anymore. Go, find a guy that treats you better, makes you laugh harder, and loves you more than I do. Go.” I was shocked because in the last year he had never said “Ok”. He had never actually let me go. He usually looked at me like was just crazy, and said,”Really? You’re doing this again?” And we’d have fantastic makeup sex.
But not this time, this time was different.
This time he let me go.
And I went. I told him to pack up my shit, and I’d pick it up one day. He didn’t argue. I called my friends; I posted “cryptic memes” on Instagram. He didn’t call. I even went back on Bumble for 12 hours. Nada. What a fucking nightmare; swiped through about 100 men in 14 seconds flat. Boom, bam, and BUZZ. I’ve never been so nauseous. I cried for hours, days…I lost 7lbs. I told my ex, and he tried to console me by telling me not to “settle” that I’d find another guy like him. Settle? Settle. I was not settling by being with him; we simply had “issues.” We had no “immediate future” because we live in different cities. It wasn’t because I didn’t love him, or want him! I was because I wanted MORE of him and couldn’t have him! Settling?
Being with him wasn’t settling.
Being with him was comfortable.
Like putting on an old Tamakwa sweatshirt, or catching up with a friend that you haven’t seen in ten years, but you pick up right where you left off. That kind of comfortable. He felt safe, and I trusted him. It’s like I know who he is on the inside, not like the Tinder assholes that post pictures from 2014 and won’t tell me their last names until we meet in person. What the flying fuck is that? Do you think that is going to make me feel safe? But yes, that is what dating has become. And it’s the most unsettling thing I’ve had to deal with since my divorce. I trust no one.
But I trusted him.
I even tried to move forward by talking to other guys; just talking. But I wasn’t doing myself any favors…and I wasn’t fair to them. Not like I owed anyone anything! But it’s not nice to lead anyone on when I’m still in love with Batman, he has my heart and will for a long, long time. My friends call to check up on me, I say I’m ok…but I’m not. I changed my Facebook status back to “divorced” and told my family, too. The boys were sad for me, they thought he was it…and they want me happy. I was so happy; I know that now. Sometimes it takes some time apart to realize just how fucking good you had it.
And our good was so fucking good.
What the fuck was I thinking?
So, after a long-ass couple of weeks… I decided to go up to Asheville for a night to this uber-romantic resort. Maybe not the best of ideas? There were couples everywhere, kissing and snuggling up by wood-burning fireplaces. While I was sitting alone at the bar, drinking wine and trying to avoid the married men “waiting for their wives to join them.” Yuck. I had a dinner reservation (alone) at 8 pm, and it was only 4:30. I was so sad looking at the beautiful scenery surrounding me…the fresh air, with no one to share it. Pity party! I was a fucking mess I barely made it back to the room before I lost my shit. I canceled the dinner reservation and climbed into bed at 6:00. What a loser, but I couldn’t do it. I missed him, us. Everything.
Just as I was drifting off to sleep my phone beeped, a text from him,”Want me to come join you?” I had never wanted anything so badly in all my life. As I was texting back the phone rang, I answered so fast and said,”Yes. Yes, come here, hurry.” He replied,”Be there in two hours.”
Settling my ass. Sometimes two people need to fall apart to realize just how much they belong together. I’m pretty dang sure we belong together. So, Batman lives, Y’all. Phew. That was a close one. ;)