back to school It’s rainy.

And gloomy…

Pretty gross out today.

Perfect for driving.

NOT. So, of course…I’m only that much more freaked out as I watch Jonah drive away in the Prius with the STUDENT DRIVER sign on the top. Oh fuck. Not only do I officially have a kid old enough to be driving, in two weeks he’s starting high school. I can’t stop crying. In fact, I haven’t stopped crying for days.

I’m filled with so many emotions.

But why?

Is it because Jonah is growing up so fast, or that I am? 

I’m turning forty-five this October.

So what, you’re thinking? So what. I look good, I am healthy (kind of, except for the 30 things wrong with me) and I feel great. I feel great. I feeeelll great. Maybe if I keep saying it, I’ll actually believe it? I don’t feel great. I feel like crap, Y’all. I feel emotionally beat up. I feel tired and exhausted. And I feel like I need a month on a beach somewhere in the middle of the ocean.

A month where no one can bother me.

But is that truly what will make me feel rejuvenated?

A month alone, in complete solitude? Fuck I get that every-other-week when my kids are with their dad. Two weeks out of the month I am alone. I have absolutely nothing to do, but be. Be with me, and write. Be with me and do laundry. Be with me and be lonely. It’s quiet here, now that I’m divorced, and the boys don’t need me anymore. And when they are here, they’re upstairs in the game room on that fucking X-box! Or on SnapChat chatting with their friends, and doing teenage things. Which is good!

I want them to be social.

I want them to be happy.

I want them to be kids.

But I want them to need me again. I really do. I’d like them to need me for something other than driving them places. Like to the pool (which btw is around the corner from our house) or to the movies, or to baseball, or track. Shit, I’m a fucking mom-taxi. Can’t they want me for something good? Like, going for TCBY and talking about life or some shit like that? haha. I am pathetic. And the truth is, they do. Jonah will still get in my bed at night and talk for hours. And I’m thinking, “Does he ever shut up?”

I hope he never shuts up.

I hope he tells me stories for all eternity.

I hope he lays next to me and shares his hopes and dreams…forever.

So, I closed the garage door and sat on my couch. I picked up my laptop and whilst crying…I started writing this. Oh, after I got on my LIFE 360 app and located my kid almost 45 minutes away from me on some road I’ve never even heard of! OMG, what if the teacher is a killer? What if he’s going to take him to some corn field and cut his body into a thousand pieces? UGGHHH!! Well, I did give Jay ten bucks in case they stop at Starbucks. My friend, Jen, her kid’s teacher made him stop at a gas station to buy her a lottery ticket. I mean, is that allowed? Can a driver’s ed teacher actually ask the kid to do that?

Well, Jonah will be prepared if he does. I told him to go through the drive thru Starbucks and offer to buy the man a Frapp. Maybe that will get him some extra points. Or at least he will get some practice ordering coffee at a drive-thru window, which is very important as far as I’m concerned. Right up there with parallel parking, which by the way my boyfriend sucks at. Don’t tell him I told you. But honestly, he fucking sucks. Why can’t people parallel park these days? I’m a one-time-wonder! I can whip my ass right into a spot…like a pro! Boom, boom… and BOOM! Fits like a glove.

Anywhoo.

I am feeling much better; I’ve stopped crying. And now I’m just sitting here, waiting on Jonah. Watching the clock, and wondering if he’s hit, anyone. Or hit any mailboxes. Or animals. Sigh. It’s weird, I don’t feel that old, or look that old…but when I think about my baby starting high school, I realize I am totally fucking old. Back-to-school time is tough, isn’t it? Fall and the change of seasons are totally depressing. No wonder I’m so tired! I must be depressed.

Wait, I think I hear the garage door opening! He is back alive!! My baby is alive…

Got to go, but let’s just keep this one between us ok? Jonah might be a little-pissed off if he thought I doubted his driving ability. But I did get quite the chuckle seeing him hit the open road in the Prius with the Student Driver sign all lit up. I think he’s going to be ok at this driving shit. Me, I’m going to have to up my meds. ;)

xo j

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