I swear it’s been raining for like a year.

I’m wet in all the wrong places.

I can’t seem to get warm.

My toes are cold.

My blood is chilled.

I might as well live in Detroit.

Jeez. Lately, I totally miss Detroit. I’m utterly depressed. I miss my family, and the few friends I have left there. I miss the Franklin Cider Mill, and the donuts. I miss the smell of fall. I miss the colors changing. And I miss the food. Omg, someone ship me a flippin’ corned beef sandwich on REAL rye bread. And a BAGEL that tastes like a bagel. I clearly have Seasonal Mood Disorder. Ya know, that weird-funky-change-of-season-depression thingy? I have it for sure. I need a sun lamp. Or a Vit-D injection. All I want to do is crawl into my bed, and sleep. Sleep, and cry. And not even in that order. I could actually sleep, cry and drink wine. Mix it up! That’s right. Throw some alcohol in there to liven up the place. Yes, add a depressant to the pot. Smart thinking, Jen.

So, the rain won’t stop. Oh, and I dropped out of school. Nice segue, huh?

That’s right, I’m a fucking failure. A Med Assistant School Dropout. A complete and total loser. Ok, maybe I’m being a little too hard on myself. I did get through the first “mod” with pretty rocking grades! Toot, Toot! And it wasn’t easy, either. You try using your brain after 10 years of watching Sesame Street, and changing poopy diapers! This was no easy task…learning medical terminology and medical law. I had it down to a science though, pun totally intended, I was a medical machine. But listen, when some little 19-year old tart called me a “stupid bitch” in the hallway, I kinda thought it was time for me to bust a move.  I know, I can be a little opinionated. And I tend to be a bit of a brown-noser…but I don’t think it warranted being verbally accosted on my way to the break room! The “environment” was not exactly the right fit, if you catch my drift. I think being white and Jewish was a double whammy. Then add on old; I didn’t stand a chance.

All good things must come to an end…

And all shitty things must come to a screeching halt. I’m just glad I was woman enough to get out before we started drawing blood. Literally. The last thing I needed was to be stabbed in the throat by some nut job with a C-average. Listen, girlies…not everyone can excel like me in school. Some of us are just born underachievers. And others were underachievers in college, who are now trying desperately to make up for it by overachieving. Who me? Can you say, fought with the instructor over a 99 on an exam? Ya, well. I wanted the extra point. I was right, ok?

Truth be told, it was the worst month of my life.

I missed my friends. I missed coffee. And getting my nails done. I missed texting between the hours of 9-2. This school thing really cramped my style. I couldn’t even piss when I had to piss. The instructors would tell me to wait. Wait? I mean who tells a 42-year old woman with a weak bladder to wait? No. I have been peeing at my leisure for the past 20 years now. You can’t tell me to raise my hand for a pass to piss. A pissing-pass. Please. Unacceptable. And I had to eat my lunch in a 20 minute window. 20 minutes. It was like a prison, people. With eggplant scrubs. And I had to pack my lunch. Can you take it?

When I called my sister sobbing that I dropped out, she was thrilled. She said it was the best day ever, because she had her big sister back!! I was like, Julie…I’m upset, ok! And she was like,”Jennifer, this has been the worst month of my life. Don’t you ever think of going back to school again.” haha. She said to get a “fun” job at Nordstrom where I can get a good discount, and talk to people. Or find something that doesn’t use my brain. Something “light and easy”. My sister is so right. And so smart. I need to rethink this school thing. My kids are happy to have me back, and I am thrilled to be back. I mean, I kinda like the job I had. Being a mom. I wonder if I could just stay put for a few more months until I find something?

Who do I talk to about that? Jonah…Zac! Think I can come back to work, and be your full-time Mom again? I really think I am PERFECT for the job! ;)

xo j