This entry is “R” rated. Just so you know. You either want to shut this shit down right now, or hang on tight. But I’m telling you with fair warning…this entry is not for the “GASP did she really just say that-ers”! No siree Bob. This is for the, “bitch-please I feel the exact same way-ers”! So, let’s get this show on the road. I am perturbed, and I need to vent. And when Jen needs to vent, you know it’s gonna be anything but Disney on Ice. I just can’t take it. I am having one of the biggest conundrums of my post-divorce life, and I just need to share it. I feel ashamed. And dirty. And well, like I’m doing something wrong! But am I really? Ugh! Let me just put it out there. Here goes nothing…
Is it wrong to want to be treated like a Princess…but have sex like a Pornstar?
Wow. That wasn’t so hard. Hard. Ha. Too easy, actually. But it is hard to get the respect I deserve from a guy without acting like a fucking NUN! If I have a connection with a guy, and I want to put out on the first date, then I will. Why am I the whore? Or better yet, why do I feel like a whore? I still deserve to be treated sweetly. Why can’t a guy realize that just because I might talk like a truck driver, and give a great cyber-blowjob…it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to make love. Or be told I’m pretty. And yes, I still want my door opened for me. And yes, please pay the bill on the first date. And yes, tell me I’m smart. And a good mom. Hell, can you even remember I have kids? They do have names. And I have a job. I’m a writer. And not just raunchy stuff, but really heartfelt entries! Don’t you think that’s a plus? I’m not only great at sexting, but I can write a pilot for a sitcom, too! I get it, its tough. A fine line between what’s appropriate, and what’s just not. Especially when you’re with a girl like me. We are tricky. We demand respect, but we are so in-your-face! Trust me, I wouldn’t want to be a guy in today’s dating world.
Does she want the dic-pic, or not?
Fellas, trust me…she does NOT.
Even though it does probably look SO much bigger in a photo. I know, it’s tempting. Unless she is begging, hold off. It’s probably much better in person. And if she is asking for it, she’s got to be drunk. I’m not speaking from experience at all. I would never, ever ask a guy for a dic-pic when I’m intoxicated. Drunk texting is SO not my thing. Duh. As if! Let’s move on to bigger and better things…put the penis behind us. Behind us. Omg. haha. I’m just saying it’s not easy to get respect lately. And I don’t want to sacrifice who I am to get it. I am very outgoing. ha. Outgoing? And personable. Some might see me as suggestive, or smutty. I just got a list of synonyms for “sexual” and it came in quite handy. Who knew?! I guess I just like sex. What’s wrong with that…you don’t? Whatever! Everyone likes sex, you just don’t say it in a blog! Or write it on the bathroom wall, or send out a blimp. You just keep it to yourself. Hmmm. Keep it to yourself…Or you act like a vixen behind closed doors! Yes, you little sneaky-slut!
A Princess and a Pornstar…PERFECTION!
And why can’t this happen? Is it my issue, or his? I guess I want to control the wheel. I need to be the one driving the car. I say who, I say when...aaannnnd I am quoting Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman which is not a good thing. She was a prostitute. Not helping my case at all! I think most men would agree, they want a woman that is classy in the boardroom, and a slut in the bedroom. Or something like that. And when I do find the right guy, he will get it. He will totally understand my Princess and the Pornstar thing, and he will respect me for the intelligent woman that I am. He will totally “get” this crazy-ass blog, and be patient with all my craziness. Goddess knows, I am a handful! He will totally treat me like a Princess when we are in public. And yes, he will fuck me like a pornstar when we are in the backseat of my truck behind Harris Teeter.
Caught that, did ya? ;)