unknown-2I am a genius.

One smart cookie.

Brilliant, If I do say so myself…

Fucking off the charts intelligent.

A rocket scientist!

Ok, ok. Who am I kidding? I am none of the above. But shit, it was sure fun to say all of that stuff! A genius, I am not. A rocket scientist? Yeesh. I’m lucky if I can find North Dakota on a map! Crap, there is a North Dakota, right? I mean, we all have our strong points. I am smart at certain shit. For example, I can tell you all the parts of a cell. Yes I can! What, it’s not important to know the parts of a fucking cell? Omg. Well, maybe it is! Maybe, that would impress a date of mine, ok? Like a nucleus is a big deal, since it is the “brain” of the cell and all. (Impressed, much?)  Just because it’s not one of the Nifty-Fifty States, doesn’t mean it’s not a pertinent piece of info! And who really needs to know what the state shell of North Carolina is anyway? Did all y’all know that North Carolina actually has a STATE SHELL? Well it does, and I know it. It’s the Scotch Bonnet.

So there. I guess that makes me super-duper smart.

But is intelligence everything? 

Is it that important to be smart?

Come on, people! So what if you don’t know the 13th President of the USA…or the capital of Vietnam.  Does that make you some kind of loser? Does it pull you out of the race for the next PTA prez? Can you actually get kicked out of the bowling league on Wednesday nights if you don’t know how to use the Metric M? HOLY CRAP, y’all! Do you remember that fucking Metric M??? Omg. I was listening to my kids study for history the other night, and I was like, what in Goddess’s name are they even talking about?! Who even needs to know that shit? My kids are not only taller than me, and hairier than me… but now, they are SMARTER than me, too? WHAT IN THE WORLD IS HAPPENING IN MY WORLD??

Well, I’ll tell you what’s happening…

Smart is the new black. 

That’s right. Smart is in; it’s hot. And it’s all the rage. Everyone is doing it, or wants to be doing it. And I am actually a bit stressed out. My kids are smart. My friends are smart. And for fucksake, even my phone is smart. Can everyone just bring it down a few notches? I’m sorta, well…feeling just a Tad Martin insecure. I used to think I was one of the smart ones! I swear I was smart! It was the drugs in college. Or birthing those damn kids! My brains totally fell out with my placentas. Because I am telling you in elementary school, Mrs. Lipshitz used to come to my first grade class,  and take me out to read. Yup! I was in the GT reading group. GT means “gifted and talented”. I was an “advanced reader” and I got to go with a special group of kids. Oh, shit. Maybe I wasn’t actually advanced! Maybe I was just “special”. Oh, great. Or maybe way back in the day…I was considered smart. But now! Please. My kids are reading Shakespeare, and I don’t even know how to spell it. I shit you not. My spell check just corrected it for me! The word, Shakespeare. Yeesh.

This is all kinds of bad.

And then to add insult to injury…I meet a guy that’s a flipping genius. Not just a 7 or 8 on my Smart Scale, but a 23! Like off the charts smart. And he speaks all smart. Like sexy-smart. And he has sexy specs to accompany his sexy-smart. And I just look at him when he gets all smart-talkish and I smile. And flip my hair. And then, I try to talk smart-ish back…but for some strange reason, it just sounds so, unsmart. Hmmm. So, I take out my smart, sexy specs (otherwise known as READERS ) I put them on, and try to feel sexy-smart. Ya, well. Then I just realize I am wearing readers because I am blind, and old. But I keep on talking, and laughing. And he is talking back. And I’m keeping up with his smart. Because clearly I just told him how the nucleus is like only THE most important part of a cell. He laughs. And I think he is diggin’ my funny. Sigh, he is so funny…and soooo smart.

And ya know what?

Funny is smart. And funny is sexy…

So, wait. Let me do this uber difficult math equation I kinda remember. I think it’s called the Transitive Property of Equality? Or some crazy-ass shit like that. Ready? If a = b and b = c then a = c. Ya! So, if smart is funny. And funny sexy. Then smart is sexy! Whoop Whoop!! Omg, my kids would plotz. What the hell is my point? Oh, I have no clue. Just that I guess smart is funny, which is totally sexy.

So, I am funny, and sexy. And I am SMART. And smart is the new black, all y’all. Wow, see how I just came full circle here? Hope you were smart enough to keep up. I am a fucking genius! ;)

xo junknown

  • Kilgore Trout

    I hate to break the news but the transitive property has been outlawed by HB2 in North Carolina. Therefore, even if A=B and B=C, then A cannot legally use the same bathroom as C.
    (On a separate note, nice All My Children reference.)

    • Jennifer Hurvitz Weintraub

      hi! Well that SUCKS!! I want everyone to be able to PISS where they want to piss! And I’m so glad you got the All My Children reference!! Thanks for commenting!! XO j

      • Kilgore Trout

        I know my Stuarts from my Adams. Big fan of Agnes Nixon… but that’s a story for a different time.